life lately

Life lately in one word: overwhelming.

I wrote here about deciding that it was best to drop a class because of an overload of commitments. I was really upset at the realization that I would consequently be graduating later than planned. My friend Elise told me about a reading course that had just been created in the religions faculty, which involved zero lectures but simply a syllabus filled with readings and two writing projects, under the supervision of a professor. This turned out to be a perfect for me. The big hesitation about a fifth class was the hours involved in bi-weekly lectures on top of readings, studying and assignments. This alternative will require much self-discipline and conscientiousness, but I am ready for the challenge.  I am so thankful and feel at ease knowing I am not getting behind credit-wise. 

So, here I am. Taking 4.5 classes (not quite 4, but not quite 5 either), working at the youth center and as an administrative assistant for an abuse prevention organization, starting an editorial internship this week, leading a Bible study and a youth group (you've heard all of this before, i am sorry for the egotistical rant). 

So when people ask me how my semester is going lately, I honestly tell them "I have a hard time saying no." 

I fear disappointing people, I love what I do, I enjoy helping people, I don't want to miss out on anything (known colloquially as FOMO), and, as I have discussed on previous blog posts, I have pride issues. I like being asked to do stuff, and I like doing them well. That feeds my pride. 

For the past few weeks, I have come to really enjoy Emily P. Freeman's podcast (also check out her blog) about decision making. The episode "choose your absence" was filled with confirmation for me. 

She spoke to my heart on this one. I tend to think that if an opportunity comes up, it must be God's will or His guiding me there. I have let myself believe that all open doors are of Him. This has unfortunately prevented me from taking authority over my decisions. But God gave me the ability to ask Him for wisdom and to decide. I'm not a prisoner to every opportunity that comes up. He gives me the freedom and agency to, by His leading and grace, choose my presence and my absence. Amen!

Here are the three points that most stood out to me: 

1. Is this is a great opportunity because it's a great opportunity? 

How have I never heard this before?! Emily gives a trick to her listeners about discerning whether an opportunity is the next right step for them. She encourages them to ask themselves why an opportunity is a great one. Finishing the sentence "This is a great opportunity because [....]" with "it's a great opportunity" is NOT a good enough reason to go ahead. We are to ask ourselves if this opportunity is a priority in this season of our lives, and whether it aligns with our future hopes and dreams. 

2. The practice of discernment 
I always assumed discernment, the ability to judge well, was a characteristic that some people possess and others do not. I believed God certainly gave it to us in times in need, but that ultimately it was not something you could "work at." 
My goodness was I ever wrong. 
Discernment, my friends, is an exercise. We are invited to familiarize ourselves with the practice of discernment, intentionally seeking it until it becomes our default setting. And let's just say I am not at that point yet. 

3. Values versus vanity 
Simply put, am I making a given commitment because it resonates with my values and will shape me further into the woman I pray to become? Or is this just feeding my pride? Is this all about image? 

Aren't these so good?! 

In the past week, I said "no" to three (THREE!) opportunities that came my way because, well, I could not explain why they were good opportunities, I didn't sense God's peace when considering the "pros" and I knew I would be saying yes with the wrong motives. No does not mean never. It's often a seasonal decision, but I knew my responses were right for now. 

I can't lie, I'm still overwhelmed by everything going on right now. I will have to keep practicing discernment so I can pace myself well this semester. That being said, I am so encouraged by the simple reality that choosing my absence allows me to choose my presence with God, myself and loved ones. 

I "chose my absence" by saying no to three commitments last week and was then able to choose my presence for friendships that are dear to me. On my free afternoon, I was able to go for pho (Vietnamese noodle soup) with my friends. 

Glorious.