thoughts on settling and dating

I hesitated to write this post. It’s been on my mind for a long time but I abstained from expressing these thoughts by fear of seeming overly critical of the Church. Moreover, I wanted to make sure to honor my boyfriend, P, and our relationship in writing it. However, following multiple conversations with Christian women/ girls/ couples who have navigated through similar thoughts and struggles, I think this is an important post to share. So, for the sake of vulnerability and authenticity, here we go!

Disclaimer: Not everything about Christian dating culture is harmful. I think many values and standards are well-intended and benefit relationships immensely. I have been the recipient of so many of them in my relationship. I am undeniably thankful that our faith has strengthened and sustained our relationship. I cannot deny the truths and tools that the Church has gifted us with during these 2 + years of dating. Our prayer is first and foremost that God would be glorified through our relationship- so the wisdom of other believers has been precious to us.

That being said, certain aspects of Christian dating culture have, in my experience, been pretty misleading (read: messed me up).

Unfortunately, some ways by which we approach love can inadvertently skew our worldviews and harm our relationships. In my own relationship, we have both had to deconstruct cultural defaults that many churched singles are wired to adopt when it comes to love, dating and marriage.

An important narrative enforced in church contexts which can unintentionally be harmful relates to “settling”.

What is said: Have high standards, and don’t settle for anything less than God’s best for you.

What can be heard: You need to find someone perfect.

Let's work through this a little. 

1)    The pride-induced list

I had never dated until I met P. By the time we met, I had a comprehensive list of traits I hoped for in a guy. Have high standards, they told me. So that’s what I did. Except I had a monstrous amount of personality, physical, spiritual attributes that I decided I would never, ever waver on. I didn’t realize it, but by feeding into this norm of unrealistically high expectations, I was harming my future relationship and feeding my pride.

Don’t get me wrong- we need standards. We should not blindly accept to date just anybody.

We should not stay in mediocre (and ESPECIALLY not toxic or abusive) relationships, by fear of never finding someone else. We should not settle for a boyfriend or girlfriend that holds us back from our God-given potential and calling. We should not be in a relationship if it is making our loved ones deeply concerned. We especially should not be contenting ourselves with a partner whom we find ourselves constantly wanting to change, or who has serious flaws that we find ourselves minimizing, justifying, rationalizing or defending.

I absolutely believe “God’s best” is worth waiting for. However, like many others, I, unfortunately, came to believe “God’s best” meant perfection, or close to it. In the early days of our relationship (before we were even officially dating!), I was unhealthily focused on the extensive (and sometimes futile) criteria and standards that I wanted my partner to embody flawlessly.

Before me was a man of genuine faith, who had a Kingdom vision, upheld my dignity and treated me as an equal, who lived generously and who was teachable and humble. Yet I couldn’t see past “the list.”

In seasons of singleness, we tend to conceptualize our future boyfriend/ girlfriend and spouse as a person without sin. This is lethal. It is unfair to hope or assume that the person awaiting us will be sinless, without baggage, without flaw, without weakness. Where is the grace in that? Focusing so heavily on our lengthy wish list feeds our pride, effectively conceptualizing ourselves as gods of immeasurable worth, and everyone else not measuring up. And, sorry to break it to you, but you probably don’t check off every point on his list, either.

2)    Standards versus expectations

Our hopes are still important- I believe that, often times, God Himself inspires them. However, I would emphasize the importance of distinguishing hopes which translate as standards and hopes which translate into mere expectations. Too often, I hear Christian singles (especially female) mixing up the two.

Expectations in relationships are self-serving. Don’t get me wrong: we all have expectations. This is unavoidable. They are shaped by our experiences, upbringing, culture and even what we see and hear in media. I expect my partner to love travelling as much as I do. I expect him to appreciate my hometown and culture. I expect him to always want to help with the dishes and to text me back soon after I message him. I expect us to have similar interests, to like similar kinds of churches, to always come to the same political conclusions. Heck- I expect him to like sushi (I would say that’s pretty much a standard). 

Though having expectations is not bad in itself, what we do with them can cause harm. The danger with expectations is to dump them on someone and rigidly anticipate him or her to satisfy all of them. The truth is, though P fulfills MANY of these expectations (bless him!), he doesn’t fulfill all of them. Likewise, I will never fulfill all of his expectations. That would be impossible!

Relational standards, on the other hand, aim to glorify God and uphold our dignity as His children. Standards I maintained for the guy I would date were, for example, faith and mutuality. My understanding of biblical texts (and views shaped by experience and reason) lead me to believe a partner should be one who points me to Christ and who advocates for me to step into my God-given potential. This would not be possible in a partner who did not put his own faith and trust in Christ Jesus, or who viewed and treated me as lesser than himself. These were standards I would not (and did not) waver on.

While P and I are so grateful we did not vacillate on our prayerfully set standards, we continuously have to adapt our expectations. We have learned that expectations can be a dangerous thing for relationships (thank you, Andy Stanley). 

Truth be told, expectations foster ungratefulness. Every day, we are invited to yield our expectations to God and choose praise instead. Stand firm in your standards, but surrender expectations so you may grow in grace and thanksgiving.

3)    Discernment and looking inwardly

When contemplating whether or not to enter into a relationship, one goes through a process of discernment. For overthinkers like me, this period is a killer.

Thankfully, I was surrounded with people of great wisdom during this season in 2016.

A mentor of mine, who had been a staff member at the Bible school where P and I met (and who knew us both, and knew of my tendency to overthink pretty much everything), told me in the midst of this discernment process: “News flash, Jess. You’re imperfect too. Don’t forget to acknowledge your own sin and baggage when you hesitate about all of this.”

Boy am I glad I listened to her. 

When we talk about standards, we need to actively depend on the Holy Spirit for discernment. In doing so, we are able to discern what attributes are red flags and significant character flaws (deal breakers!), and what attributes are the result of brokenness.

This distinction allowed P and I to see each other for what we both were: broken image bearers of the living God. With time, we were able to see that us two broken image bearers just so happen to make a really good team, worth fighting for. 

4)    Opportunity for growth

Once you have (1) seen past your list of unhelpful expectations, (2) determined that the person fulfills prayerfully-considered standards and (3) accepted their brokenness and are willing to commit to a relationship, there is so much room for growth.

[Reminder: in the early days of a relationship, you don’t need to know if he/she is “the one” (such a weird concept). Take the pressure off yourself and go on a coffee date. Take it slow. Marriage-crazed Christian dating is a WHOLE other conversation for another day.]

God uses relationships to sanctify us. He uses the depth of sin in one another to force us to lean into Him. Reminding ourselves of our common sinfulness is what allows us to remind each other of our need for Jesus and dig deep together to receive, live out and proclaim the gospel (Romans 3:22-24).

The distinct weaknesses, struggles, imperfections and baggage that P and I deal with personally challenge the other person in becoming more like Christ. They force us to acknowledge the pride and legalism hidden deep inside us. Most importantly, they give us the immense opportunity to be an extension of God’s grace, forgiveness and acceptance toward the other person. And what a gift that is.

One of the greatest joys in dating is seeing a person, seeing what God is doing in their life, and realizing that you just might fit into their story. You just might be used to help them become who they are meant to be (eschatological realism, ya hear?!).

While the intents of the "don't settle" rhetoric are good and true, I believe they need to be reframed. The Church needs to emphasize the grace required in relationships and the dependency on God that they invite us to embrace. Continuously insisting on "not settling" can inadvertently encourage us to seek perfection and fail to see the depth of our own sin. 

Young Christian women need to set aside fantasies of a perfect worship-leading marriage-material unicorn- and allow God to lead them into imperfect, grace-filled relationships with fellow broken image bearers (in His timing!). Ladies, the marriage-material unicorn is a lie. I am so thankful I surrendered expectations and accepted P as he is. Not only has my life truly been enriched by this, but it turns out that he is even better for me than what I could have imagined and hoped for. 

Bottom line: lies and misconceptions are thrown at us about love, relationships and dating in mainstream culture AND Church culture. While I am deeply grateful for my Christian upbringing and spiritual formation in the Church, I believe we must be careful in discerning what narratives are of God and which ones are the result of Christian culture. The failure to do so can lead to a serious crisis of faith.

Cultural defaults aside, our invitation today is to uncover the truths of the way of Jesus when it comes to love. In doing so, we will experience relationships in the freeing, sanctifying and life-giving way God intended them to be.

Note: All photography in this post is by Wilder Heart Media, a talented couple based in British Columbia (who happen to be our dear friends!)