stillness
I spent the past week in a small village in Belize, leading a group of five high schoolers on a missions trip. I am always amazed at how much there is to learn about sustainable community development, healthy cross-cultural partnerships and the gap between God's heart for missions and the Western Church's understanding of it. I still have a lot to process and pray about, but look forward to writing more about these themes in weeks to come.
As you might have guessed, there is not great WiFi in the Central American jungle, explaining my lack of blog posts. But let me tell you- I learned a whole lot through being disconnected.
Accepting to go on a trip in the middle of a school semester was really out of character for me. I wrestled with the decision, I prayed, I consulted trusted ones, I cried out to God for direction.
I rarely "feel" God telling me to do things, but within a few weeks of being asked to go, I came to sense strongly that I needed to. So I did. I couldn't believe myself as I said yes. What about economics lectures? What if you get behind? How do you know there won't be an in-class essay in communications class? And what about youth group, will they manage? Will people think I'm irresponsible?
Somehow, God led my unconvinced heart to Belize because He knew I needed to learn a thing or two about stillness.
During my time there, I read Shauna Niequist's book, Present Over Perfect. Thank God I did not have a highlighter on me; I quite honestly would have turned the book yellow. Let me share some words that deeply resonated with me.
I was in the fifth grade when someone first called me a perfectionist, and just shy of fifteen when a classmate told me I was an over-achiever. I love having a packed schedule. I thrive on that. I take on a lot of commitments, love meeting new people, grew used to staying up late finishing schoolwork. I get excited juggling studies, two part time jobs, involvement in church, Bible study leading, friendships, family, mentoring commitments and a long distance relationship.
Interestingly enough, I never questioned myself when I felt anxious or sad if a week of my agenda was relatively bare, no colour-coordinated appointments filling its every day and hour. Shauna Niequist’s words spoke volumes to me. This idea of busyness being a way to escape my insecurities was completely new to me.
This week of disconnectedness, slower life rhythm and escaping the hustling of frantic everyday life exposed huge heart issues and sins of mine. We had a full, uninterrupted day of Sabbath during our time in Belize. We were by the ocean, soft winds whisking through palm trees, wrapped in heat and sand and laughing and goodness.
I was alone with my thoughts as the others went for a swim. And I just couldn't shake off this restlessness. I couldn't exhale. I kept thinking about how I should be getting things done. How irresponsible it was to let myself relax. How bad I must look in my bathing suit. How ugly I must look. How flawed I was from the inside out.
Frantic living has allowed me to run away from these feelings I have been carrying deep inside all along.
Stillness forces me to confront them.
I read Psalm 46:10, "Be still and know that I am God." This is one of my life verses- but it spoke to me differently on that beach. This time, I saw stillness not only as a way to see who God is- a mighty, gracious, All-knowing, All-powerful, All-seeing entity- but also what that says about me. They may be simple theological truths we have heard again and again, but on that day they hit me violently.
"Stop, and realize that I am Love, and that I love you. Fully. Unconditionally. Stop running, and accept this deep love of Mine. You don't need to achieve more to feel capable and strong- you are whole. Find affirmation in me, not in your schedule, your commitments and the people who want to meet with you. Be still- because you otherwise can't dwell in my love, or hear my voice telling you How fully you are loved."
I can't outrun and avoid my sense of self-deprecation when I am quiet and unoccupied. Stillness is an invitation to sit with my flaws, my brokenness, my emptiness- and let Jesus deconstruct the lies and replace them with truth.
Confronting the very things I loathe about myself, the things that challenge my sense of self-worth is dirty work. It would be easier to say yes to another job or volunteer opportunity- making me feel capable and invincible. But at the end of the day, stillness is what will make me see with clarity. It's what will allow me to hear that voice of love that says, "Jess, you are of great worth. You are a peculiar treasure. You are set free. You are loved. No conditions.”
And though the process of confronting my skewed conceptions of self is messy and uncomfortable, it really is a beautiful invitation. It will lead me know in my heart that I am enough, that I am covered, that I am loved.
I unwillingly, awkwardly accepted to be still on that beach.
I will be still. And, ever so slowly, I will know.
As you might have guessed, there is not great WiFi in the Central American jungle, explaining my lack of blog posts. But let me tell you- I learned a whole lot through being disconnected.
Accepting to go on a trip in the middle of a school semester was really out of character for me. I wrestled with the decision, I prayed, I consulted trusted ones, I cried out to God for direction.
I rarely "feel" God telling me to do things, but within a few weeks of being asked to go, I came to sense strongly that I needed to. So I did. I couldn't believe myself as I said yes. What about economics lectures? What if you get behind? How do you know there won't be an in-class essay in communications class? And what about youth group, will they manage? Will people think I'm irresponsible?
Somehow, God led my unconvinced heart to Belize because He knew I needed to learn a thing or two about stillness.
During my time there, I read Shauna Niequist's book, Present Over Perfect. Thank God I did not have a highlighter on me; I quite honestly would have turned the book yellow. Let me share some words that deeply resonated with me.
"[...] I understood the problem: the hustling that had so deeply compromised
my heart was an effort to outrun the emptiness and deep insecurity inside me."
I was in the fifth grade when someone first called me a perfectionist, and just shy of fifteen when a classmate told me I was an over-achiever. I love having a packed schedule. I thrive on that. I take on a lot of commitments, love meeting new people, grew used to staying up late finishing schoolwork. I get excited juggling studies, two part time jobs, involvement in church, Bible study leading, friendships, family, mentoring commitments and a long distance relationship.
Interestingly enough, I never questioned myself when I felt anxious or sad if a week of my agenda was relatively bare, no colour-coordinated appointments filling its every day and hour. Shauna Niequist’s words spoke volumes to me. This idea of busyness being a way to escape my insecurities was completely new to me.
This week of disconnectedness, slower life rhythm and escaping the hustling of frantic everyday life exposed huge heart issues and sins of mine. We had a full, uninterrupted day of Sabbath during our time in Belize. We were by the ocean, soft winds whisking through palm trees, wrapped in heat and sand and laughing and goodness.
I was alone with my thoughts as the others went for a swim. And I just couldn't shake off this restlessness. I couldn't exhale. I kept thinking about how I should be getting things done. How irresponsible it was to let myself relax. How bad I must look in my bathing suit. How ugly I must look. How flawed I was from the inside out.
Frantic living has allowed me to run away from these feelings I have been carrying deep inside all along.
Stillness forces me to confront them.
I read Psalm 46:10, "Be still and know that I am God." This is one of my life verses- but it spoke to me differently on that beach. This time, I saw stillness not only as a way to see who God is- a mighty, gracious, All-knowing, All-powerful, All-seeing entity- but also what that says about me. They may be simple theological truths we have heard again and again, but on that day they hit me violently.
"Stop, and realize that I am Love, and that I love you. Fully. Unconditionally. Stop running, and accept this deep love of Mine. You don't need to achieve more to feel capable and strong- you are whole. Find affirmation in me, not in your schedule, your commitments and the people who want to meet with you. Be still- because you otherwise can't dwell in my love, or hear my voice telling you How fully you are loved."
I can't outrun and avoid my sense of self-deprecation when I am quiet and unoccupied. Stillness is an invitation to sit with my flaws, my brokenness, my emptiness- and let Jesus deconstruct the lies and replace them with truth.
Confronting the very things I loathe about myself, the things that challenge my sense of self-worth is dirty work. It would be easier to say yes to another job or volunteer opportunity- making me feel capable and invincible. But at the end of the day, stillness is what will make me see with clarity. It's what will allow me to hear that voice of love that says, "Jess, you are of great worth. You are a peculiar treasure. You are set free. You are loved. No conditions.”
And though the process of confronting my skewed conceptions of self is messy and uncomfortable, it really is a beautiful invitation. It will lead me know in my heart that I am enough, that I am covered, that I am loved.
I unwillingly, awkwardly accepted to be still on that beach.
I will be still. And, ever so slowly, I will know.
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