about long distance

On February 11th 2020, I alighted a plane in Canada's Pacific Northwest and, together, P and I  finally bid distance farewell. As I slowly unpack my life in Vancouver, I find myself reflecting upon the past four years of long-distance. The 3,022 miles separating us since 2016 have held many blessings and sorrows. Some were expected, and others shook us to the core. 

Distance, in so many wonderful and heartbreaking ways, took our breath away. Admittedly, in the more difficult instances, it would be better to say distance knocked the air out of our lungs. Yet, I am grateful for this season of our life. It was difficult, and I don't know that I would recommend this kind of dating (more on that, later). But as we look back on it today, we stand in awe, and gratefulness hums in our bones. We see that God's gracious and sovereign hand was faithfully at work throughout this stretch of years. We experienced -again and again- the power of prayer and community as we weathered long bouts of separation. And, ultimately, distance is what brought us to each other. For this, we can only give praise.

February 11th, 2020: the day we bid distance farewell.

During these years, people have asked us how we did it. In fact, many friends of ours have entered into long-distance relationships themselves, and have sought advice from us (which we find quite funny.... as we don't feel we are experts at this thing!). In reality, we benefitted from much wisdom imparted to us by other long-distance alumni ourselves, when we were but starry-eyed, hopeful youngins who thought long-distance would be all flights and love letters and Facetime calls (which, frankly, wasn't completely off.) And while I want to emphasize that we are no long-distance savants, I dare say we have learned a thing or two that might be helpful to you as you navigate your own long-distance relationship. 

For us, long-distance began in March 2016 (as "friends") and, officially, in June 2016 (as a couple). I won't go into the specifics of our story (although I would very glad to share it with you over coffee if you ask -it's a good story!), but here are the broad strokes of our context: 

boy meets girl in Germany in September 2015, they slowly took a liking to each other over the winter months, they ultimately agree they ought to remain friends (because, after all, their hometowns are thousands of miles apart), they whisper tearful goodbyes in March (assuming they'll never see each other again), boy contacts girl from Frankfurt airport before flying home to Vancouver and says he thinks they ought to give this a try (girl was extremely scared and unconvinced), they dip their feet in the waters of distance for three months to see how their friendship withstands such circumstances, they slowly make up their minds about whether they believe this could work (that is to say: they think and pray and ask tough questions and seek counsel from others), boy flies out from Vancouver to Montreal in June 2016 and asks girl out, girl is awfully relieved, and long-distance ensues. For almost four years. 

I mention our story to highlight a few key specificities about our relationship, which might singularize us from your own long-distance circumstances. 

Firstly, distance is all we've ever known as a dating couple -we have never experienced dating in the same city (until now!), unlike others who might have started off closeby and had to enter into long-distance later. 

Secondly, we began dating young -our ages then still suffixed by teen. This meant a couple things: we were in school and lived at home (me) and on campus (him) for most of this experience. It also led us to agree, at the dawn of our relationship, that we were in this for the long haul. We knew, early on, that distance would most likely be our reality for an extended period of time (not, say, just a Summer experience of long-distance). 

Thirdly, our distance is not international but within the same [large] country, on opposite coasts. This entails a three hour time difference and some undeniable cultural differences, but nothing like many others face: a friend of mine, for example, lives in Montreal and has been dating his girlfriend in the Congo for over three years. I don't want to catastrophize our situation, knowing that many experience distance in a far more challenging arena that we have: but I also am saying that this was a bit different than people stating that they are practically "dating long-distance" because their partner is working long hours or lives on the other side of town. To give you an idea, P and I saw each other once every three or four months -an amount for which we felt fortunate, but which is by no means sustainable. 

We two hopeful youngins in June 2016, when we first started to date.

All that being said, as a disclaimer, I must highlight that the musings below are informed by our unique relationship and specific circumstances, and thus might not be applicable to your relationship. But, hopefully, some of this will pertain to you. Likewise, being people of Christian faith, our worldview and ethic have shaped the way we approached our relationship. These thoughts are thus written in light of our Christian beliefs. 

So, humbly, I want to bestow my advice and lessons learned over these almost four years of distance with P - both things shared with us by others (which we have found to be true or useful), and things we wish we'd been warned about at the outset of this relationship.

Here goes it! 

What you need to know about long-distance... 

• 1. Well, first things first, I want to reiterate that long-distance is hard. It is not natural and warrants more intentionality and willpower than a proximal relationship. My good friend, also in a long-distance relationship, jokes that she is "functionally single." P and I have often said ourselves that long-distance is essentially an invitation to goodbyes, heartache and being sad a lot of the time. But for the right person, it is well worth it. And, ultimately, long-distance relationships are possible - and I truly believe that, when submitted to God, they are made easier. 
• 2. Be present where you are. Distance is hard, but strive not to always be on your phone. Both of you ought to let your roots run deep where you've been called for this season.
• 3. An addendum to the previous point: try not to have a perpetual "counting down"mindset. For the first years (yes, years) of this relationship, I found myself impatiently counting down to the next visit, nervously counting down to the next goodbye when we were together, longingly counting down to the end of this perceived ordeal. This is no way to live! Savor this season, and remember that it is just that: a season. 
• 4. Have a long-term vision. Candidly, I don't see how a couple can "casually" date long-distance. It is far too difficult and inconvenient to navigate this type of relationship with a "let's see how this goes" mindset. Don't leave the ultimate goal of this relationship unnamed: speak of it purposefully and clearly. Agreeing from the beginning that our hope was a long-term partnership allowed us to swallow the everpresent hurdles of long-distance, because we knew we had a destination. 
• 5. Because this is no normal relationship, don't compare it to other relationships. On some fronts, distance makes relationships move far slower than that of many of your friends' (that is to say: we have been invited to over twenty weddings of friends who began dating after we did!). On the other hand, though, distance can also make relationships grow intense much faster - because you "skip over" activities such as movies and just sitting side by side: you talk and converse all the time. This means I could pretty well tell you all about the way P communications, as well as his theological persuasions, political convictions, vices, fears, childhood memories, the name of the hospital where he was born, his first friend and his favorite high school teacher -but I have not once gone to the movie theater with him, in four years. 
• 6. About talking: it's better to communicate less regularly but meaningfully than to chat excessively about nothing. In the first month or two of long-distance, we had three-hour-long Facetime conversations nearly every day (I know - I honestly don't know how we did nor how our schedule allowed it). This might work if you are experiencing distance for a short period of time--although I would nonetheless warn against it! -- but it certainly isn't possible for a long-lasting distal relationship. This model of communication was draining (even for me, who has a lot of stamina for conversation!), and was not life-giving for our relationship. Better carve out the time for less frequent but more thoughtful conversation. 
• 7. That said, not all conversations need to be heavy nor intense. This also goes for your relationship in general: keep things creative and fun. Watch a movie, do origami or play a board game over Facetime or Skype! Work your way through date questions! Send letters and packages! Watch the same TV show! Take pictures throughout your day and send them to the other person! Get flowers delivered! These gestures show you are thinking of the other despite the miles between you. 

This is your permission to be cheesy: a screenshot of a Valentine's day dinner and
 gift exchange, over Facetime!                   

• 8. Set expectations and a timeline at the outset of this relationship: how long is the distance most likely going to last -and are we willing to face this? How often do we hope to communicate? How do we feel about hanging out with people of the other gender? [Personal note: given each of our ministry involvement, friend groups and school contexts, we personally were completely comfortable with the other hanging out with people of the opposite gender. We always made a point to tell the other person beforehand, communicated about it consistently, and chose to assume the best in one another. This was truly a good way to build patterns of trust and transparency.]
• 9. Don't avoid conflict. As an ardently non-confrontational person, I soon realized it was quite easy to avoid difficult conversations given the distance (because you can simply choose not to text the other about issues that come up, ignore a bothersome text, etc.). But keep in mind that conflict avoidance fosters the two following outcomes: growing bitter and resentful of your partner, or not pursuing depth and flourishment together -both as individuals and as a couple. But, ultimately, going deep together means you will be calling each other out on sin. It will be uncomfortable, and it will hurt -but it is a way God sanctifies us, and it is a beautiful opportunity to then extend grace to the other. 
• 10. Do conflict well, NOT over text. Hard conversations over Facetime and Skype are probably more awkward, but wisest. Make it a priority to carve out the time to talk it out (not type it out). 
• 11. Give a heads up on days you won’t have much access to your phone. 
• 12. Write down each other’s schedules. This is not only convenient to plan dates, but also allows you to engage with the other and seep into their day-to-day life through comments like, "How was economics class?," or "Praying for your exam now!" This kind of message narrows the gap between you. 
• 13. Trust, always. I can't tell you how many people have asked us how we don't spiral into doubt about each other given the distance between us. I earnestly answer that I fully trust Paul. Why? Because he is a man of integrity and righteousness, who shows faithfulness in the little things and thus deserves my trust in all things. Furthermore, he is fiercely committed to me, and mindfully demonstrates this in word and deed. I once heard it say that for a mile of trust, you need one hundred miles of commitment. We have found this to be true. 
• 14. Assume the best in the other, but be transparent about fears or frustrations. 
• 15. Point 14 above about "assuming the best" also pertains to texting and tone. Text messages are not an ideal way to communicate, but happen to be quite central in many long-distance relationships. The reason they aren't ideal is chiefly the way they neutralize tone, causing you to wonder things like, "He put a period at the end of this sentence instead of an exclamation point - is that just proper writing or resentment?" (or is that just me? ha!). Remember that texting fails to convey context, and the way your partner is sharing his or her thoughts. You ultimately have no idea where and how it was written or not written: maybe they messaged you quickly while they were in a rush, maybe their battery died and this is why they haven't responded you, or maybe there really is an issue that needs to be talked out -in a real conversation (see points 9 and 10).
• 16. If possible, communicate your hurts immediately rather than "wait for our next visit." Don't let resentment fester. 
• 17. Forgive and ask for forgiveness when miscommunications happen (and know that they will)!
• 18. Keep certain things consistent because so little is consistent in long distance. We are creatures of habit and are formed by what we do - make it a point to have something like "Tuesday date night" or good night texts, so rhythms are established. (see pictures of our unconventional dates below, ha!)

• 19. Value unhindered time together, especially on visits. We, unfortunately, had to choose to say no to seeing many of our friends in Vancouver and Montreal during visits together, but this was important to respect the little time face to face that we did have. 
• 20. Paradoxically, do find time to get to understand the other person's world, their family and friends and routine. Community is essential to sustain a relationship and point you to truth as your friendship develops. Likewise, when you are far away, it is really precious to know what and who the other person is talking about when referring to their day to day lives! 
• 21. Pray for each other. For strength, for peace of mind, for faith and for the details making up their lives. 
• 22. Pray together, both during visits and over the phone -for both your shared and separate lives, but don't limit it there. Something we have realized is that relationships can be so self-consuming! It's a gift to look outwardly and not just pray about us but about our communities, people suffering, the Church, global mission, etc. etc. This is a valuable opportunity to choose to be prayerful and missional, from the beginning. 
• 23. Ask one another about spiritual disciplines, prayer life and Scripture reading in an encouraging way. You should be each other's best advocates, stewarding one another's hearts to "[...] act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." (Micah 6:8)
• 24. Read books together! We found this to be a really special thing to share. 
• 25. Don't attempt to make visits make-believe perfect. We have so often strived to make our times together seamless, because these moments were all we had. But we soon realized that things like homework together and going for a walk or eating dinner with our families are just as special, and need to be apart of the fabric of our relationship... not just fancy dates and conflictless visits! Do real life together! 
• 26. Involve one another in your decision-making, instead of leading entirely separate lives. For a time, I remember feeling alienated from what was happening in Paul's life. He would tell me about decisions he'd made pertaining to work or travels or course selection, when I'd frankly had no idea about the process leading to these decisions in the first place! The issue here was not that I distrusted Paul or wanted control over his decisions, but that I wanted to feel involved in the intricacies of his everyday life. This required a subtle shift in our communication, as we learned to face decisions together. This piece of advice is, of course, to be applied on a case-by-case basis: I don't mean to say that you will make every decision together (you're only dating, after all!), but rather that you should include one another in what is shaping your present and your futue. Provide the details, explain options, be transparent about your thought processes and face life together as partners. As you make life decisions, empower one another other to tap into their gifts and step into their calling, whether it be on campus or in their choice of summer job, etc. 
• 27. Get a community of people to pray for you. You will remember that you are covered in prayers on the hard days (and the hard days will come). 
• 28. Look into mentors who can speak to long-distance (and faith-based dating, if this applies to you). 
• 29. Accept the generosity of others. During our years of distance, a few of our flights to and from the East and West Coast were gifted to us by our parents and grandparents. This was such an unexpected gesture that meant the world to us ...especially as full-time students! Beyond this, we learned to accept the kindness of others taking the form of hospitality, imparted wisdom, financing for dates, etc. etc. 
• 30. Know that you will have to make sacrifices, as you would in any other relationship. There will be times you’ll have to stay up later or wake up earlier to make room for a call. There will be times you’ll have to arrive late at a friend’s place because the other needed to pray over Facetime. There will be times you’ll look at your bank statement and be shocked at how much you’ve spent on airfare and postage. If you are in a situation like us where long-distance is caused by your having different hometowns, someone (or both of you) will eventually have to make a move, and face the sacrifices entailed in this decision. Remember, in all of this, that you are investing in the long term and that it is so worth it.

Our last airport goodbye, in January 2020 (smiling through tears)

Distance has been the backdrop of our story, and has shaped the very marrow of who we are as a couple. Being far away from one another taught us how to communicate willfully, how to let our roots run deep instead of being entirely swept away by our budding romance, how to operate in conflict with honesty and grace, and on and on. 

But, now that long-distance is no longer our reality, we can earnestly say it was a fearful endeavor (but aren't all relationships?). 

Many have told us they would never even consider a relationship where proximity wasn't assured. "I could never do long-distance," they pondered woefully. And I admit it: I understood why. Would I recommend a relationship where you only see each other every few months, where conversation is almost entirely dependent on technology and wifi, where goodbyes are the norm and where the distance is so palpable, so painful, that you periodically wonder whether the relationship is even worth it? I can't say I can. If there is any way you can minimize the distance, do it. 

But do I recommend dating someone who is good, kind, faithful and faith-full, despite the distance? Yes. Yes! The miles between are entirely worth it. Better fight for the one who is good, albeit faraway, than clinch onto someone near who is sort of "meh."

When we first stepped into this situation, anxious thoughts went to and fro in my mind, as I grappled with what we had just gotten ourselves into. I precisely recall thinking, welp, there is no way we will pull this thing off. Consumed with worry and pessimism, this was not the rapturous genesis I had always envisioned a budding romance to look like. 

Yet, by grace, we did pull this thing off. 

But I won't sugarcoat it for you, who reads this at the outset or in the choppy waters of long-distance. 

It was hard. And it did hurt. 

I trust that God sanctifies us no matter the situation we are in. Whether we find ourselves in a long-distance relationship, single, married or in any given relational context, we are molded into His likeness. Likewise, we are drawn into full trust in His timing and His goodness. As we pilgrims amble through life's manifold seasons, we are invited to believe that our God does not withhold what is best for His children. He is the God who provides streams of living water in the wilderness. Haven't you the faith He will provide you with the strength to walk through the desert that is distance? 

I've said it once and I'll say it again: the chafe of sanctification is painful. Long-distance, again and again, brought us to the end of ourselves. It magnified our limitations and our sin, and revealed our need for God and His people. It beckoned us to lean into His provisions and turn to our community, brimming with encouragement and wisdom, that buoyed us these past few years. 

We are deeply grateful long-distance is over, and that a new chapter is upon us. My prayer is that, whenever our eyes meet across a room going forward, we will remember those two hopeful youngins who- for 1,333 days -waited, hoped, wished and prayed for the day they'd exchange distance for proximity. Now that we are embodying that moment, we don't take it for granted. 

Take heart, dear couples for whom distance is the very tangible present or in the foreseeable future. This is a season, multifaceted and finite, and you ought to remember just that. I hope these 30 aforementioned lessons, which were beneficial to us and our context, are in some way helpful to you. Remember to heed all that your relationship is teaching you, and to implement whatever rhythms, initiatives, ideas, boundaries, and practices that are life-giving to you both. 

Recognize this: the heartache you feel about separation from the other is but a *small glimpse* into how much God longs for you. This was the sweetest reminder to us when we were just about ready to throw in the towel and exclaim, at least we tried. 

Choosing to approach our relationship as an object lesson about God's love begged us to keep pursuing one another (as He does with us) - rolling up our sleeves, showing up over and over, and saying "I'll fight for this." And my life today is better for it. 

So, to my West Coast crush, I say this: you were worth it all. 

Us, living in the same city!