simple hospitality
Many of us hesitate to host because we worry our homes are too small or messy or unimpressive; our cooking is not polished enough; we want to maintain space and privacy within our four walls. And it's true--hospitality is in many ways a vulnerable thing. When you open your home, you're in essence opening your self to others. However, the truth I sang in that initial blogpost is worth repeating today: formality is not a pre-requisite for opening up your home. Quite the opposite!
Again and again, I go back to words of Shauna Niequist about hospitality:
"The heart of hospitality is about creating space for someone to feel seen and heard and loved"
and
"True hospitality is when someone leaves your home feeling better about themselves, not better about you."
You don't need fine china, the fanciest of meals nor a sprawling home to make someone encounter their belovedness when you host them. When we got married, Paul and I agreed we wanted hospitality to be a marker of our home, no matter what home looks like, no matter the season. And that has started in our small 600 square foot apartment, in the very early stages of my learning to cook. This isn't to say I don't worry before hosting, fretting about the state and size of the apartment and what to serve guests. It's a temptation! But nearly every time we host, Paul is the first to remind me, "Keep it real, keep it simple. It doesn't have to be perfect."
Our homes are gifts to steward. I hope to be someone that lays down my pride and faithfully opens my home to bless others, creating spaces of comfort and belonging to all who enter. That’s what ‘simple hospitality’ (what I’m calling my hosting style here!) is all about.
Now that Paul and I have a place and table of our own, I thought I'd share some simple hospitality tips with you. Each of these practices have helped us cultivate hosting as a rhythm in our little home, affectionately called "number 203."
They may not all apply to you, but my hope is that some of this content stirs you to open your door--and, ultimately, your heart--to others. As I write this now, I pray it compels you to uncover the deep gift of connection and community around your living rooms, dining room tables, dorm rooms or backyards...
I believe, truly, that learning to serve and love others through the good gifts of a shared meal, time and attentiveness makes all the difference in a world needing nourishment, intimacy and restoration.
May these simple ideas encourage you today!
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Choose interactive meals
Any meal can bring people together, but I have found that interactive meals are a wonderful option when hosting. What I mean by an "interactive" meal is one in which you essentially break down the recipe into a do-it-yourself meal for everyone around the table. Think taco or waffle bars, poke bowls, fresh spring rolls, raclette, loaded potatoes and chili, sundae night, charcuterie, make-your-own pizza/pasta, build-your-own salad, etc, etc.
I do love preparing a plated dinner for guests, but interactive meals are great for bigger groups and, most importantly, for guests we don't know as well. Why? Because, by inviting your guests to use their hands and partake in the meal more actively, you generally make them more comfortable. The meal is more than something they consume, but also something they are experiencing and playing a part in...and it can even become a conversation piece! In a sense, interactive meals serve as a form of entertainment. It seems silly, but it's true. The participatory nature of these menus crushes down the walls of formality, and makes people feel at ease.
Interactive meals also present a lower barrier of entry for people who are not enthusiastic about cooking. There is no need to spend hours preparing an elaborate pork roast or filet mignon. You'll perhaps cook some meat in the crockpot and get some chopping done beforehand, but the rest is done by the group, together. This is a great time to share the reminder that being a good host has very little to do with being a gourmet chef!
Get things done beforehand
As much as possible, we try to get a large part of the cooking out of the way before guests arrive.
If we are hosting spontaneously ("Want to come over for dinner tonight?"), they'll just be eating whatever we're having--no fuss required. However, if I invited friends ahead of time, I take advantage of the time beforehand to be a bit more organized. This allows us to be more present and engaged with our guests and the conversation. This is why crockpot/Instant pot meals are an ideal options for hosting, as I can essentially prepare the entire meal hours ahead, and go about my day normally until company comes over. Depending on the menu, I can sometimes prepare parts of the meal days ahead, and refrigerate them until that evening.
For me, this minimizes stress and ensures I am not sequestered in the kitchen the whole of the soiree. It means I am not frazzled when friends arrive because I forgot a main ingredient and have to run to the store. Listen, these things can happen--and it is not the end of the world! But, ideally, I like thinking a few steps ahead to make hosting simpler. By the time our company crosses the threshold, a good share of the work is underway, and my focus and attention can be on their presence, rather than the food and preparations.
Leave some tasks for when company arrives
One might assume that most of the ideas I'm sharing are my own, but my husband Paul is deeply passionate about hospitality and has played an active role in shaping our "philosophy" of hosting. If anything, I'd say he is most adamant about opening up our home and not fussing over 'proper etiquette' and 'keeping face' when people come to number 203. And one of the key ways we do this, which he insists upon, is to always leave a couple tasks to do when they arrive.
This may seem contradictory to my previous point, but I promise it's not! I do like getting a lot of the work out of the way before a dinner party, save for a few finishing touches. But those finishing touches make quite the difference. We genuinely love the atmosphere of gathering in the kitchen (the heart of the home, right?!) and chatting while we finish preparing the meal. As we set the table, load the dishwasher or make the salad upon our guests' arrival, we are communicating to them that life is being lived within these four walls--and we are welcoming them into it. We are avidly involving them in the marrow of our everyday, rather than focusing on formality and formulaic etiquette.
Accept people's offer to bring something
A big shift when I moved from Montreal to Vancouver was that hosts in my new cultural milieu tend not to accept when I offer to bring a part of the meal (salad, dessert, even a bottle of wine!) when I'm invited over for dinner. The custom seems to be for guests to bring a hostess present (a candle, flowers, flavored vinegars, or the like), but no dish. Younger people sometimes challenge this default, and our friends do seem to like more collaborative meals. But, generally, hosts take on the full meal, while guests come virtually empty-handed.
I suppose the idea is for guests to feel lavished upon by the host's love and care. However, my personal preference is to be able to contribute meaningfully to the meal, and to accept when guests offer to bring something. This isn't purely because I think it is too burdensome to expect a single person to oversee an entire menu. (Frankly, I'm happy to do so.) Rather, I prefer this approach because such contributions blur the lines between the one hosting and the one receiving. They challenge formality and embrace mutuality. Whenever guests arrive with a contribution to the meal, they seem more at ease, since they have more ownership over the fare we are about to enjoy. Now, to be clear, I wouldn't ask for any money (I've heard this is increasingly common and I find it a bit uncharitable) and I also wouldn't make a last-minute request, nor without the guest offering first. But if someone does message me that they would like to bring something, I trust they are sincere. I never frame this as an expectation, but I have found it to be quite sweet to collaborate together on making the evening a success. After all, it makes hosting a little less about "me" and more about "us."
Keep your home clean
A general posture of cleanliness makes it easier to host. Truly. I'm a strong advocate of less-than-perfect hospitality and not spring-cleaning every time someone comes over (no one needs your space to be spic and span to enjoy their time there.) However, I can nearly guarantee you will be more open to hospitality (especially spontaneous) if your home is, in broad terms, well kept.
I am a rather untidy person, I'm afraid, and our little apartment tends to become overwhelmingly messy--and fast, at that. Lovers of things and memorabilia as we are (and don't even get me started on books), we really are a far cry from being minimalists. And with two hybrid work schedules, our space swiftly becomes disastrous by the end of workdays at home. Unfortunately, this has a rather important effect on hospitality. With time, we've discovered that, unless we actively purposing to care for our space, inviting friends over is a daunting thought. At times, we have, admittedly, decided against hosting because of messiness within these four walls.
As we have realized this, we've made a more concerted effort to steward our space throughout the week. Cleaning on the go is most assuredly less burdensome (and intimidating) than having to straighten up a space in utter disarray right before guests arrive. Being deliberate on a daily basis makes for lighter work overall!
To give you the broad strokes: at day's end, we try to put away our things (I'm talking books and papers and work material and other knickknacks), finish the dishes, clear and wipe down the counters, sweep the floors. Weekly, Paul vacuums and I'll do a big cleanup of our bedroom (how do I always end up with more clothes outside than inside the closet?). I tend to clean the bathroom regularly, and Paul takes out the trash and recycling whenever necessary. We are by no means clean freaks, but staying on top of these tasks has really fostered a greater inclination towards hospitality.
I love the vision of an open door policy. I want people to know they are always welcome into our space--even with little notice. Keeping our home somewhat tidy and clean helps with this. Friends, your home does not have to be spotless. Don't let you pride get in the way of hosting! The idea here is to offer a place that is comfortable to others. When you purposefully take care of that space of yours, you'll be more apt to share it.
Have a couple foods on hand
This really echoes the previous point. If you want to have a proactive and generous approach to hospitality, why not stock your cupboard and fridge accordingly? We don't always opt for fancy meals when friends come over, but we like having some go-to foods on hand at all times in case we have last minute guests. These include fruit, milk and cream for coffee, cheese and crackers, meat in the freezer (generally chicken or fish), rice or pasta, enough vegetables for a side or a green salad. In colder months, I tend to always have the makings of a soup at the ready. Find some of my favorite soup recipes here. Oh! And Paul always makes sure we have a nice selection of coffee and tea for guests. A warm cup of something delicious is always a welcomed grace, wouldn't you agree?
You don't need much at all--and, to be candid, hosting doesn't always have to include a full meal...refreshments can do the trick. But having certain staples and keeping stock of them regularly is really helpful when comes to the time to whip up a simple meal for company, especially of the 'unexpected' variety!
Increasingly, I'm finding that meal-prepping and getting my groceries at the beginning of the week ensures I'm not scrambling for scraps in the back of my fridge when a hungry friend comes over. When I make dinner, I like making larger quantities to keep for our freezer. Not only do we sometimes want leftovers after a long day, but they also are wonderful options for last-minute company, or a friend that could use a meal delivery. All this to say, there are very simple ways to share the gift of nourishment with those who enter your home!
Pay attention to lights & smells
A particularity about Paul is that he is especially attentive to lighting. A particularity about me is that I am especially attentive to smells. Funnily enough, this is a nice combination for hosting! A myriad of studies highlight the ways our senses of smell and sight shape our experience in a space: aggressive lighting can spike stress levels, whereas light temperature in the 1800K-3000K range relax the body. Warmer lighting is reminiscent of sunsets, wood burning fireplaces as opposed to hospital hallways, after all! Our sense of smell is also especially powerful: scents and odors are very tied up with our emotions, even triggering nostalgia and memories before our brains can even process what we are smelling.
All this to say, an easy way to make guests comfortable is to choose warm lighting and to diffuse an aroma or light a candle upon their arrival. Lighting and smell are two rather elementary realities, but they make a world of a difference in cultivating an enjoyable environment. Ask anyone in the hospitality industry! To us, having a candle aglow and dimming a couple area lamps is a way we foster a sense of warmth in our apartment. We are both quite inspired by the Danish art of hygge--essentially, a celebration of coziness and comfort to weather cold winter nights in Denmark. Incorporating pleasant fragrances and lights into a home is a wonderful way to pay attention to the atmosphere we are welcoming others into. It's an uncomplicated and arguably inexpensive gesture that goes a long way.
Prepare questions beforehand
My father-in-law is a man of few words. Yet one of the qualities I admire most about him is his question-asking. When I first met him, I was struck by his thoughtful curiosity about my life. He goes far beyond the mere "how are you?" or "what's new?" conversation fillers we so often turn to in conversation lulls. When I once commented on this trait of his, he told me he always takes time to think about specific questions to ask people whenever he meets them.
As Paul and I have started welcoming friends and acquaintances into our own home, we have gleaned from this example. The truth is, people are not great question-askers. I have spent many a dinner party with hosts or guests who did not bother to ask me a single question. I am not hurt by this, nor do I expect to be the center of all conversations...But I think it's a good practice to show the people you are spending time with that you care about the workings of their lives.
Before guests arrive into your home, think through their family, profession, cultural background. What are you curious about? What updates can they share with you? What is happening in the world or your community that they might have an interesting perspective on? Make space for them to share. And if you're worried about "awkward" silences, putting some thought into the conversation beforehand will help ease the stress! By asking specific, intentional questions--and pairing them with listening ears--you are communicating that you care. This is at the heart of hospitality.
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These are some of the very practical ways we have built a rhythm of simple hospitality in our first home together. I hope they were helpful to you as you endeavor to invite people into your home. I'll jot down once more the wise words my husband reminds me before company arrives: "Keep it real, keep it simple. It doesn't have to be perfect."
Friends, I can't encourage you enough to open up your space for the good of others. When we are reluctant to invite people into our homes, we miss out on the great blessings of inviting them into our hearts and lives.
I hope I have convinced you that, unlike traditional entertaining, hospitality does not have to be a formal affair. Rather, it can (and, arguably, should) be unfussy. The goal is to cultivate an environment where intimate connection can grow and people's worth is affirmed. It's about uplifting others rather than your home, your cooking, and yourself.
In 1 Peter 4:8-10, we read: "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms." (And check out the beautiful translation in The Message Bible, too!)
Our homes and our time are wonderful privileges. They are a grace we're invited to steward for God's glory and the world's betterment. Don't underestimate the power that your time, listening ears and a simple meal can have on someone's life.
And the wonderful truth: God will faithfully sustain you as you invite, serve and nourish others. He's right there at your table, or in your living room, delighting in your desire to do what He does: drawing near and loving people well. This is the way of Jesus.
Comments
I truly do feel this way when I leave your home - thank you for creating such a comfortable space for me, and everyone else who walks through your doors <3.